133. Outgrowing Gold Stars

I grew up in a tumultuous home where appearances mattered, and secrets were kept. I learned early how to look fine on the outside while hiding what was really going on – and that habit followed me straight into my food addiction. In school, I thrived. I was smart, the teacher’s pet, and loved gold stars and approval. Inside the classroom, I felt confident and included – even by the cool kids. Outside of it, I was deeply insecure and desperate to belong. From a young age, I could eat enormous portions. Food never shut off for me. By seventeen, I was over 200 pounds, swinging between extremes – exercising to the point of injury, fasting for weeks, or bingeing until I was in physical pain.  When I came into Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) eighteen years ago, I did what I knew how to do: I tried to look good – to my sponsor and my fellows. Then came my moment of truth. I was told that if I kept managing my image and hiding how I really felt, I would eat again. I heard the expression, “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” That realization changed everything. Today, honesty is the foundation of my recovery in FA. I’m maintaining a weight loss of more than 100 pounds, but what FA gives me goes far beyond neutrality with food. In FA, I have found balance and joy in my personal and professional life, and compassion as the primary caregiver for my aging mother. At sixty-one years old, I no longer seek constant approval or gold stars. Working this program, I am truly free from addictive eating and living a deeply satisfying life.